Facebook Fiasco

Hello, my name is David, I’m an alcoholic. My sobriety date is Oct. 24^th, 1987. I’m grateful to be alive and sober. I recently celebrated 25 years of sobriety and am deeply moved to be a part of AA, to have my life and (some) sanity back in my life. Even though I’ve been clean and sober, freed from the obsession for alcohol and drugs for 25 years, I still occasionally suffer from the insanity of alcoholism. When I was drinking and when I have no active spiritual solution to my alcoholism, I am crazy. Sober and working the steps I’ve gained much experience: I’ve learned where I was at fault in creating disastrous relationships with family and friends, with bosses and strangers. Learning where I was at fault the Steps then guided me to act to be a better man than I am. I’ve been granted a small space where I can act my way into a life that is, well, pretty awesome. I have the love and respect of family and friends, have a career, my health, hobbies and passions, in short a rich full life.

However at times I’m bonkers from the amazing ability to go over the edge. Selfishness, fearfulness can still grip me and drive my defects to unseat my mind. On the day of my 25^th anniversary, I suffered from alcoholism. At 12:01 am on the 24^th I wrote a beautiful heartfelt, gratitude laden well constructed post on FaceBook, it was gorgeous prose. I thanked God, AA, family friends etc, etc. I was proud of my effort to craft a celebratory notice of my 25 years of sobriety. At 12:09 I hit enter, posted it and went to bed. When I got up at 8:00 I made tea, and opened my FaceBook page, expecting numerous “likes” and warm comments. I was disappointed. There was nothing. I went through my morning routine and went to work. At work I am able to check FaceBook.

By 10:00, nothing.

At noon, one person, a sponsee had ‘Liked” my post.

My disappointment began to squirm in my head, waking up my indignation. “Don’t they realize I’m 25 years sober?! That it’s MY day?!” The indignation swelled into righteous anger, quickly. Anger grew to include paranoia. I became convinced by midday that there was a movement to ignore my anniversary. In my mind I was able to recall a list of people, those f@*kers who had slighted or hurt my feelings recently. The trial attorney voice in my head beagn to present his case against individuals and meetings and groups in AA who I now knew was responsible for ignoring me on my anniversary. I was sick to my stomach with anger and righteousness and grasping paranoia. I’m not exaggerating. I lost all peace of mind because only one person “liked’ my FaceBook post.

I was texting the sponsee who “liked’ my post as we having a conversation about daily tenth step inventory. I admitted I was crazy with anger and suspicion. He said that always sees my posts. I said that he was the only one who ‘likes’ or comments on my posts. As I was at work in a retail setting, I was struggling to act better than I felt. In a near thing I almost was rude to a difficult customer; actually calling her a name under my breath as I made her order. As I prayed after that, my sponsees text came back to me: he said he saw everything I posted.

I went on FaceBook. Sure enough, tracing back through my timeline, he was the only one in the last three or four months who had ‘liked’ or commented on my posts. He was the only person who liked me? Huh. Some small still voice said, “That’s odd.” I looked at the anniversary post I’d made earlier that day. Yup, the sponsee saw, because it was posted on his wall.

Only on his wall.

For the last three or four months all of my posts have only been going exclusively to his wall.

I had somehow altered my settings so that I was only posting to his wall.

My alcoholism traced this arc: pride in my accomplishments (25 years, writing well) inflated my expectations of social standing and emotional relations; expectations swelled by pride driven by disappointment, unbalanced my thinking; righteous anger replaced pridefulness and I was off to the edge of sanity. The volume in my head, the speed of my thoughts, the crushing grip of anger and fear made me an unloving creature. I was unable to perceive any part I’d played. I was unable to see where I might have been at fault. I fabricated a conspiracy and took out my anger (under my breath thankfully) on a stranger.

Underneath the anger, pride and suspicion was the basic fear that I wasn’t going to get the social recognition and emotional support I felt I needed. That is my alcoholism at 25 years of sobriety. Thankfully no one was hurt; no on one outside of my head was affected by my craziness. Thankfully episodes like this are less common and less intense as I stay close to the spiritual was of life I get to practice in AA.

A brief inventory, a check-in with that same sponsee (as we were already practicing, texting our midday inventories) and I wrote a simpler thank you post, changed my settings and  my anniversary was celebrated by others.

I had to be shown how to recover; I am grateful for those who’ve gone before me. I am truly grateful for the Steps and fellowship of AA.